FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19

A:    To be or not to be.
Q:    What is the square root of 4b^2?

Q:    Why do ducks have big flat feet?
A:    To stamp out forest fires.

Q:    Why do elephants have big flat feet?
A:    To stamp out flaming ducks.

Q:    How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:    Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
      with brightly colored machine tools.

    Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur.  Ed.?


Q:    How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:    None:  The light bulb contains the seeds of its own
      revolution.

Q:    How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:    Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
      to really want to change.

Q:    What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?
A:    The Titanic had a band.

Q:    How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:    Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer",
      and the party of the second part, also known as "Light
      Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction
      wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
      from the current position as a result of failure to perform
      previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation,
      and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the
      front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
      at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated
      by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination
      being at the option of the party of the second part and not
      required by the aforementioned agreement between the
      parties.

      The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but
      not be limited to, the following.  The party of the first part
      shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a
      chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation,
      grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
      of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this
      point being tendered non-negotiable.  Upon reaching a
      point where the party of the second part becomes fully
      detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part
      shall have the option of disposing of the party of the
      second part in a manner consistent with all relevant and
      applicable local, state and federal statutes.

      Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the
      party of the first part shall have the option of beginning
      installation.  Aforesaid installation shall occur in a manner
      consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
      step one of this self-same document, being careful to note
      that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this
      point also being non-negotiable.

      The above described steps may be performed, at the
      option of the party of the first part, by any or all agents
      authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most
      possible revenue for the Partnership.

Q:    How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A:    Fifteen.  One to do it, and fourteen to write document
      number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent
      Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state
      only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the
      definitions are of the form "A:..... consists of sequences of
      non-blank characters separated by blanks".

Q:    How do you keep a moron in suspense?



Q:    What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and
      a dead lawyer in the road?
A:    There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q:    Why is Poland just like the United States?
A:    In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
      Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get
      whatever you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
        -- being told in Poland, 1987

Q:    What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
A:    Diyathinkhesaurus.

Q:    What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?
A:    Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.

Q:    How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take
      to change a light bulb?

A:    Seven.  Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light
      bulb in the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which
      point Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead
      (although he'll immediately claim that he's a doctor, not an
      electrician).  Scotty, after checking around, realizes that
      they have no more new light bulbs, and complains
      that he "canna" see in the dark.  Kirk will make an
      emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha
      Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives, who, are
      friendly, but seem to be hiding something.

      Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security
      officers beam down to the planet, where the two security
      officers are promply killed by the natives, and the rest of
      the landing party is captured. As something begins to
      develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand, Scotty,
      back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must
      warp out of orbit.  Although badly outgunned, he cripples
      the Klingon and races back to the planet in order to rescue
      Kirk et. al. who have just saved the natives' from an awful
      fate and, as a reward, been given all light bulbs they can
      carry.  The new bulb is then inserted and the Enterprise
      continues on its five year mission.

Q:    Why did the tachyon cross the road?
A:    Because it was on the other side.

Q:    How many marketing people does it take to change a light bulb?
A:    I'll have to get back to you on that.

Q:    How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:    One and a half.

Q:    What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
A:    Open other end.

Q:    How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A:    Take away his credit cards.

Q:    Why was Stonehenge abandoned?
A:    It wasn't IBM compatible.

Q:    How many elephants can you fit in a VW Beatle?
A:    Four.  Two in the front, two in the back.

Q:    How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
A:    There's a footprint in the mayo.

Q:    How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:    There's two footprints in the mayo.

Q:    How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:    The door won't shut.

Q:    How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:    There's a VW Beatle in your driveway.

Q:    How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:    None.  We'll fix it in software.

Q:    How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:    None.  The application can work around it.

Q:    How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:    None.  We'll document it in the manual.

Q:    How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:    None.  The user can figure it out.

Q:    How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:    Two.  One to screw it in and one to observe how the light
      bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of
      subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity
      reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

Q:    What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
A:    "The elephants are coming over the hill."

Q:    What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?
A:    Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.

Q:    Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A:    To prevent the sensible ones from going home.

Q:    What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?
A:    A doberman.

Q:    How do you save a drowning lawyer?
A:    Throw him a rock.

Q:    How many journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:    Three.  One to report it as an inspired government program
      to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical
      government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one
      to win a Pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company
      hired a light bulb-assassin to break the bulb in the first
      place.

Q: Do you know the death rate in this area?
A: One per person.

Q: Was ist klein, grün und dreieckig?
A: Ein kleines, grünes Dreieck.

Q:    What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
A:    Not enough sand.